Someone that bullied me wrote a blog for Ditch the Label: Here’s my response
Samantha Reilley admitted in a recent interview for Ditch the Label to having previously bullied a boy during her childhood. She revealed what motivated her to act in such a way and how she feels about it on reflection. That boy (who is now a 37 year old man) saw her interview and contacted us. Here he tells his side of the story.
DtL: Hi Adam, could you tell us a bit about yourself?
Adam: I am 37 years old and I am from Long Island, New York, born and raised. I enjoy movies, reading but mostly music. I have a degree in Healthcare Administration. I am married to a beautiful woman and we have the most amazing little girl. I come from a small nuclear family but a rather large extended family and they are all very important to me. I like to think that I am your “average Joe”. I am also a big sports fan.
” I came across Ditch the Label after I read an interview that a friend had posted on their Facebook page. They had also made a YouTube video and in both I was mentioned – although not by name”
DtL: How did you come across Ditch the Label?
Adam: I came across Ditch the Label after I read an interview that a friend had posted on their Facebook page. They had also made a YouTube video and in both I was mentioned – although not by name. We had gone to elementary school together as kids and grew up in the same education system. My experiences with being bullied started in 2nd grade. I remember that my kindergarten and 1st grade teachers were very careful to treat each child equally. No one was ever singled out. My 2nd grade teacher however made it a point to express her, lets call it frustrations, with me. You see I was an outgoing child. My first grade teacher referred to me as ‘the mayor’. I loved to joke around and be social. I remember I offered to tell my 2nd grade teacher a joke one day. She told me that she didn’t have time for a joke and I responded by telling her that there was always time for a joke. I, to this day, abide by that philosophy.
She was not amused and apparently this garnered a call home to my parents. I guess the kids in my class picked up on the fact that my teacher was pretty harsh with me and they in turn followed suit. This was the beginning. From there, the torment snowballed. I was singled out in class, left out of recess activities and targeted during gym class. I wasn’t the most fit kid in the class and sometimes not the most athletic. I still played little league but my father was the coach so he didn’t let any bullying fly for anyone.
“I was singled out in class, left out of recess activities and targeted during gym class”
I remember a specific instance of being invited to a girl’s birthday party and then being told that I was uninvited because everyone in the class said that they wouldn’t go if I was there. I was forced to lay in the mud, poked with sticks or just flat out tackled for no reason. By the time fifth grade rolled around, things had reached a boiling point. My fifth grade teacher was a gruff individual who offered zero compassion. Anytime I told him that I was being bullied he would tell me to ‘toughen up’. I even went to the principal of the school and his solution was to have me eat my lunch in his office. So in a sense, I was being punished for being bullied. Even my parents thought I was exaggerating. We were in family therapy and the therapist concluded that I was being a victim so my parents, more often than not shrugged off my pleas for help. It should be noted that I do not blame them for any of this because when they finally realized how bad the bullying was, they went to bat for me and fought for me like no one ever had. For that I will always be grateful. After it had become abundantly apparent that things were not going to improve, my parents petitioned the school board to have me transferred to a different school.
“I would get punched, kicked and slapped in the hallway, berated and flat out threatened”
The request was denied and I heard it from the principal of the school rather than my parents. I was devastated. And things got worse. Constant torment from the minute I arrived at school until my walk home. (Some of the kids took the same route as me and would follow me. Winters were especially difficult because, well, snowballs). My parents made another appeal to the school board and this time I was approved to transfer. I moved to a school where my friends from Hebrew school attended but even there I was bullied (at both Hebrew school and the new school). At least I had friends – I spent the last year and a few months of my elementary school career happier by comparison. More trouble loomed. I was now entering junior high where I would be around the same kids that had bullied me my entire life. They would now be able to influence the kids I didn’t know to join in on the bullying. I would get punched, kicked and slapped in the hallway, berated and flat out threatened. I recall a specific incident where a kid came up behind me and threw me into a locker and demanded I give him my money along with a “fatboy” for good measure. Needless to say it was a long two years.
“Many a night I found myself standing on a bridge or at the edge of a blade”
But I made it out and now I was headed to high school where my brother would be a junior. It’s funny, high school was both better and worse. More kids to bully me but there were also kids like me who banded together. I met those considered freaks, misfits, punks and metal heads. I found solace in both the music and sense of community. We would walk down the halls and get made fun of together and while it was a little more dangerous, at least we had each other. High school is where I was pushed to the edge. I found my anger and my depression. Many a night I found myself standing on a bridge or at the edge of a blade. Things got dark. I fought with my family constantly and was just a general misery to be around. Suicide seemed the only solution but something always made me wait another day. I finally graduated and I figured it was over. That was until I was attacked by about 5 cars full of kids throwing full beer cans at me telling me they found me and now they were going to kill me. That was the breaking point for me. I submersed myself in anger and depression and pushed everyone away. Family, friends, it didn’t matter. I wanted to be alone. Until I realized that I was and it was awful.
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I got into a fight with my parents on Rosh Hashana (a really big Jewish holiday) for attempting to wear a very inappropriate shirt to dinner. I was kicked out of the house. Two days later, after realizing that A) I couldn’t survive on my own and B) I wanted to survive, I went home and got some real counseling. I figured out how to not let my years of getting bullied define me but it has most definitely had a lasting effect. I no longer carry around the baggage. As the years went on I connected with some of the kids that bullied me, including Samantha Reilly. I was working at a coffee shop and she came in. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. She asked me how I was and what I was up to. And then she did the strangest thing. She apologized for the one instance that she bullied me. To this day, it is the only time anyone who ever bullied me ever acknowledged what had happened much less apologize. I was blown away. It made me realize that some of those kids weren’t bad people but maybe just victims of circumstance. It definitely put things into perspective.
“As the years went on I connected with some of the kids that bullied me, including Samantha Reilly”
DtL: How did it make you feel to read the interview with Samantha and how she feels about her actions looking back on it?
Adam: Reading Samantha’s interview was a little tough. It made me think about things that I hadn’t thought about in years. I immediately contacted her and we spoke a little about our experiences. I never really knew how bullied she was herself and to be honest I felt awful. No kid should have to go through that. I was very touched that Samantha would even think about what happened all those years about, much less talk about it in an open forum. What she did takes guts and I appreciate it and applaud her for it.
“I was very touched that Samantha would even think about what happened all those years ago, much less talk about it in an open forum”
DtL: What advice would you give to others experiencing bullying?
Adam: As far as advice goes, I would tell kids to find whatever it is that gives them strength and immerse themselves in it. I had the music scene and that sense of community. Whether its art, sports, literature or family, don’t give up. Survival, in and of itself, is a victory. Most importantly if you need help get it. Shout from the rooftops if you have to but get help. No one should have to go through something like that alone.
DtL: Why do you think people bully?
Adam: I think people bully for a lot of different reasons. I think that there are a lot of instances where people that bully actually need help themselves and no one is there for them so they take it out on others. I think teachers in school need to be more attentive to how the kids treat each other and how they treat the kids. I also think parents need to be more involved with their kids’ lives. I have a young daughter and I am terrified that she will one day be bullied. The only thing that scares me more is that she will bully someone else. I think it is the parents responsibility to monitor their young children’s social media habits and teach them that you don’t have to be like everyone, but if you don’t like someone, just leave them alone.
“I have a young daughter and I am terrified that she will one day be bullied. The only thing that scares me more is that she will bully someone else”
DtL: If you could go back in time what one thing would you tell your younger self?
Adam: If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to never let anyone make me feel less than what I feel I am worth. Their opinions are their own and in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter. Sacrificing my happiness for others approval will only ensure I never lead the life that I want. Never let anyone have that power over you.
DtL: What motto do you live by?
Adam: My motto is this: Be you. If someone has a problem with it, let it be there problem. The ones that truly love you will be around no matter what.
DtL: Is there anything you would like to add?
Adam: Friends are definitely a quality vs quantity situation. It’s better to have two or three great friends than a dozen that you don’t fully trust. Head up, stay strong and ever forward.
